Home


The Pregnancy
The News
The Labor
The Day After
The Final Days
Test Results

In Honor
Obituary
Photo Album
Guestbook
Baby Blog
The News

Friday, August 19, everything Jamie and I had planned came undone. Everything up until that night had been so perfect. We had been out shopping for a good part of the day. That night we put in a DVD and relaxed. I began to realize I hadn't felt Owen moving all day. During the day, while I was moving around, it wasn't unusual to not notice his movements, but I always felt him moving at night while we were watching TV...

We had been home for about four hours when Sharon became nervous. She wanted to relax a little so she took a bath and a nap. We made ourselves a bowl of ice cream and began to watch the movie when she said that she couldn't remember the last time she felt Owen move.

Jamie and I talked about whether or not we should call the doctor. It was 10:00pm, so we knew it would mean a trip to the hospital, but we figured if it would ease our minds, it would be worth it. We joked about how everyone has their stories of going to the hospital thinking they are in labor, only to be sent home still pregnant. We joked and told the cats that we'd see them soon. I believe we even left the light on because we were certain that we'd be back in no time.

We went into the emergency room and were directed up to the maternity ward. The nurse greeted us, and asked us to wait while she made up the bed in the triage room for us. We could hear another baby's heartbeat from monitor in the room next door... The sound of the other baby's heartbeat was really loud, even behind the closed door. In the back of my mind I was hoping that in a few short minutes, we'd be hearing the exact same sound.

After the bed was made, the nurse ran the Doppler across my belly to listen for Owen's heartbeat. We could hear echoes of my heartbeat, which I thought belonged to Owen, but the nurse said she couldn't find his. She tried to reassure us that it could be the equipment, and she tried to do an ultrasound instead. She still couldn't find the heartbeat. She told us not to worry and she went to get the doctor.

I could already see Sharon beginning to panic and I could hear it in her voice. She even asked if the baby was dead, but the nurse didn't want us to even begin to think that. She kept trying to be strong for us and told us that it must be the machinery, but that she needed to consult with the doctor to be sure. I was trying to be so strong for Sharon and not even let the thought of death enter my mind.

The doctor came in and took over the ultrasound. She identified the four chambers of the heart, but it was not beating. I still didn't understand what was happening. Everything had been perfect...

It was very surreal to see an ultrasound of our baby, and not see him move - not see his heart move, not see his arms move... After seeing him open his eyes at a previous ultrasound, as if he was actually looking at us - and to now see him just "floating" inside Sharon was beyond words.

The nurse wasn't telling us not to worry anymore. I'm not sure when she started telling us she was sorry. I looked over at Jamie and he looked so frightened. That's when I started crying. I asked the doctor if she was telling me the baby was "dead" - I couldn't believe I was saying that word out loud. I don't even remember how she replied. The doctor wanted to get some better ultrasound equipment from elsewhere in the hospital. It already seemed hopeless. She told me she was sorry again. After two different sound tests and two different ultrasounds, the inevitable was clear, Owen was dead.

I asked her what would happen now. She told me they would see if labor had started or not, and that they would try to deliver the baby. I couldn't imagine how I could go through labor knowing my baby had already died.

I called my father to tell him I was in the hospital. He was so excited, thinking I was in labor... I had to tell him "No... They can't find the heartbeat." I heard him tell my mother the baby had died. The doctor came back with the "better" ultrasound equipment. There was nothing "better" about it. They confirmed that there were no signs of life. The position of the baby also revealed that it had happened recently, but it was still too late.

The last thing I wanted to do was to leave Sharon alone, but I had to leave the room to call my sister. My parents were on vacation at their cabin in New Hampshire, and I felt bad calling my sister at such a late hour, but it had to be done.

I got the answering machine at first and was trying to hold back the tears while I left a message, hoping that Deb could hear me talking and come pick up the phone. She did hear me and when she answered I began crying so hard that the words would not come out of me. It was so hard to control myself long enough to tell her what was happening. It was very late and I told her that we were being admitted to the hospital, so she should get to bed and we'd touch base in the morning.

Deb had to call the local police in New Hampshire because my parents don't have a phone in their cabin and their cell phone doesn't always get the best reception. A few hours later, my father called me on his cell phone from the center of town where the reception was better. I could tell he was upset, but was being so strong for me. He asked what had happened and what was going on.

He said that they would be home on Monday to see us because they were expecting company that had not arrived yet and were not sure when they'd arrive that day. When he got back to the cabin, however, my mom practically had the entire place cleaned up and the clothes packed and ready to go. There was no way she couldn't be down here to be with us. My dad called back and said they'd be home within a few hours. I told him to be safe driving because there really wasn't much that could be done right then.

I went back to be with Sharon and keep her spirits up the best I could. I had to make some phone calls to friends that we had plans with that evening to tell them we wouldn't be able to make it. A few hours later, my parents arrived and I left Sharon to greet them. I hugged them for a good while and just cried in their arms. I hadn't really been able to cry at all up to that point because of the shock of the situation and also because I needed to be strong to help Sharon get though this.