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The Final Days

During our stay in the hospital, Jamie and I pushed the hospital beds together so we could be close to one another. We left the TV on at night to drown out the silence. I remember there was a 007 marathon on, so we listened to "The Spy Who Loved Me" and other Bond songs all through the night. We actually joked about how annoying the theme song became after a while, but listening to that was so much easier than facing the dead silence that allowed our minds to think about what had happened to us.

We baptized Owen in the hospital chapel. Reverend Ruth performed the ceremony. She was so strong for us! Ruth is the same minister who married us, so it was very special that she was able to baptize Owen as well. Jamie and I took a few moments with Owen by ourselves before our families came in for the ceremony. Owen was wrapped so tightly when the nurse brought him in with her. My parents had put a single white rose for him on the altar, and Sharon's grandfather brought in one of his famous violets.

It was very special to have everyone there. Jamie's parents were there, as well as Deb and Richie and their children, Emma and Kevin. My sister came, and so did my grandfather and his wife Nancy. They gave me a special prayer blanket that was knit by some of the women from their church. I wrapped it around me during the baptism and wore a guardian angel pin given to me by Emma. My aunt and uncle, Nancy and Fred, and cousin David were there as well. It was so touching to see them all. I cried so heavily though, I felt bad for anyone who had to watch me... I held onto Owen so tightly! I also made sure to let Jamie have time to hold onto him too.

After the ceremony, everyone left the chapel and Sharon and I spent our last moments with Owen. This was the final time that we would see him on this earth. I told him that I would see him again someday and that I loved him dearly. It was so incredibly hard to let him go, to give him back to the nurse to wheel him off to the morgue to wait until he was to be buried.

As we were leaving, two little elderly women walking through the hospital noticed the chapel. They were so happy and excited to see the chapel, and they remarked how beautiful it was inside. It was as though they didn't see us and how devastated we were. It felt so strange to see those women so happy. It was as though I didn't know what happiness was anymore.

Leaving the hospital was very surreal. It was a bright, sunny day and the streets were busy with people going about their business as usual. Our lives had come to a complete halt, but the rest of the world had carried on as if nothing had happened. We began the painful process of phoning people to let them know the terrible news, and we began to plan for our son's funeral.

When we got home we spent about an hour in Owen's room, just sitting and crying and looking at all the work we put into preparing the room for him. We realized we couldn't stay there much longer because we could suffocate from all the love in that room. There is so much love in everything we did for Owen, it's incredible.

The cards and flowers began pouring in. It was overwhelming, the amount of support we received from our friends, families, neighbors, and even strangers. I took pictures of all the flowers that we received. Thank you to everyone that sent us flowers, they were beautiful!

We went to the funeral home to go over the details of the ceremony and find out what else we had to do in order to bury Owen. The people at Dyer Lake Funeral Home were so kind to us. They took care of all the arrangements so we did not have to worry about a thing. I called my parents to let them know what day the funeral would be so they could make arrangements to fly up here from Texas. We decided to keep the funeral private except for our families, because it just would have been too overwhelming to arrange and deal with otherwise.

We went down to Newell Burying Ground in South Attleboro, where my grandmother is buried and made arrangements to buy our own plot. We were very lucky that the plot right next to my grandparents' was still available, so my grandmother will be able to watch over Owen. It's a very beautiful spot, next to a lovely tree. You have to drive over a hill to get to the grave, so it's nice and quiet, separated from the road. It seems like a restful place to be buried.

The gentleman who runs the cemetary took out the plans for the area that we wanted to have Owen buried and showed us all the plots that were still open. He said that we could choose a spot behind, in front, or to the side of Sharon's grandmother. We took the spot to the side so that Owen will be right between us and her grandparents forever.

Next we had to buy our own headstone. It is a very bizarre experience to pick out your own stone! I think I was numb during the entire process... We picked out a stone that would match my grandparents' in color. The man asked me if I would like to have my maiden name or married name on the back of the stone. He suggested that sometimes people do etymological studies at cemetaries, so I agreed to have my maiden name on the back of the stone, especially since the front of the stone already says Reiley.

My good friends, Jodie and Shelby, from high school came to visit and give me a hug. One came all the way from North Carolina, and the other from New Jersey. I know how worried about me everyone felt, and they had to let me know they were here for us. I felt terrible that I didn't have much time to spend with them because we had to prepare for the funeral, and Jamie and I felt strongly about the funeral being family only. We showed them the box the hospital gave us to keep Owen's keepsakes in, including his footprints, clippings of his hair, and an impression of one of his feet. Then we hugged them goodbye so we could get ready.

We started preparing for the funeral, and tried to gather any items we wanted to bury with Owen. It was a very emotional task. How can you fit a lifetime of love into a something the size of a breadbox?? We wanted Owen to know who we were, and to know who his entire family is, and to know that we love him. We didn't have enough time!

Jamie took photos of Owen's room so we could show him what it looks like. Jamie was so strong during this time - I don't know how he did it. I am so thankful to him for capturing so many details. We had such a short amount of time, and had so much we wanted to accomplish - and I wasn't able to function effectively enough on my own. I couldn't stop crying long enough to even see clearly.

I asked my sister if Emma and Kevin would like to do something special for Owen and she said that they had already thought of something. The each drew a picture for him. They gave us a lot of wonderful things to give to Owen. I was so happy that Deb printed out a picture of our family that was taken at my parents' 40th anniversary party. It made me smile to know that Owen would know who his family was.

We each wrote Owen a letter. We bought a special outfit for him to wear. We gathered a few items from our families to give him as well. In the end, we were running out of time and space. We had to come to grips with the fact that we would never be able to give him all that we wanted. It was a very painful realization.

The first item I ever bought for Owen was a light gray hat with a basketball on it. It was the only one left on the rack in the store, and I felt as though it was fated for me to buy it for my son. As we gathered up the items to bury with Owen, I was debating whether to hold onto the hat to keep for my own memories, or to give it to Owen. I made the decision to have him buried with the special hat that I got for him, to keep his little head warm.

The morning of the funeral I woke up numb. This was a day I did not want to face. It was hard to believe this all was still not a dream. My parents came to pick us up for the funeral. I remember walking into the room and seeing for the first time just how small Owen's little casket was. The flowers on top completely dwarfed it. It was so wrong to lose someone so tiny!

We had a board up at the funeral with the photos of Owen's room, as well as some photos Jamie took of me during the pregnancy. We hung the ultrasound pictures there too. It was amazing to look at that board and see all the love we had for our baby, even before he was born.

Ruth performed the ceremony. She did such an amazing job. She even included some of the verses from our wedding ceremony, which was very touching and special to me. Jamie and I stood up and read the story "Guess How Much I Love You" to Owen. We wanted to read him a goodnight story before he was laid to rest, and that one in particular is very special to us. I wasn't sure we would be able to get through it, but somehow we found the strength.

After the ceremony, we followed the hearse to the cemetary to bury Owen. Jamie and I carried his casket from the hearse to the grave site and rested it on a pedestal that was waiting there. It was another bright sunny day, and there were wind chimes hanging from a nearby tree, playing softly in the wind. I watched as some bumblebees danced around the flowers on Owen's casket.

To this day, whenever I see bees or dragonflies or other insects, I feel Owen's spirit visiting me (even though I have a terrible insect phobia!). One day, while Jamie and I were visiting his grave, a praying mantis flew down, buzzing our heads, and landed on the trunk of the tree with the chimes hanging from it. Since it is so rare to see a praying mantis, we both felt it was Owen trying to get our attention, and it was a very special moment.

I often joke with Sharon about the insects. I tell her that if Owen was alive that he'd be bringing in all types of bugs, just like any other little boy - so for him to visit her as a bug is just his way of saying "hi".

I have my own "visits" from Owen as well. For me, any time I see a child look at me or smile at me, I know that Owen is there saying hi.

After the ceremony at the grave site, our families headed back to Deb's house. She did an amazing job putting together food and drinks, with some help from her friend Kate. It felt good to have the funeral behind us. It felt good to have so many of our family members there. I felt like we had been isolated for so long, it was nice to be among the living!

While we were at Deb's house, we realized we did not get our ultrasound photos back from the funeral home, so Jamie called them right away. Apparently, they thought we wanted to bury them with Owen, so they put them in his casket. By that time, he had already been buried, so it was too late to get them back. I felt completely devastated. I lost the only real evidence of my pregnancy with Owen. It was as if I had lost him all over again! But there was nothing that could be done by then, so I reluctantly accepted it. Fortunatley, we had scanned the ultrasounds to post on our baby blog, so I do have copies of most of them.